It was 2004 when I had my first ‘real’ boyfriend. I was 15 year old in high school.
It was school night and I was just making my way out to his parents house for dinner. As I was walking towards my front door there sat a very lost man with his arms crossed, like he was the king of this castle.
In the living room I felt his eyes looking me up and down as I walked by, he barked: “slut!”, “you whore”, “tramp”.
I was teenager going through countless changes. My skinny little body had a slight delay in puberty, so the pressures of keeping up with my peers had already hit my confidence. Then the emotional rollercoaster took over when mother nature herself decided to give me the gift of being a woman. This was the time I was supposed to be starting my journey of becoming a beautiful, badass young lady but instead I became a target for a man who couldn’t cope with his own built up insecurities.
Teen years are by far the most sensitive times of our life. Not only did I have to manage my academics, juggling athletics, deal with peer pressure and dipping my toes into the infamous drink called alcohol – I also had to come to terms that my Mom and Dad weren’t ever going to be together again and this so-called ‘father’ figure grew jealous of my innocent teenage relationship.
Every night there he would be, sat in that brown sofa chair always under the influence. He would wait for me to say ‘alright I’m leaving’, so he could throw his knife cutting words at me all over again. Every night was the same: he would shot a whiskey or two, followed by me wanting to leave, then him calling me ruthless names. Repetitive nights ending in confrontation. This was my step father. He was near enough 30 years older than me, but when the fella had a drink he would look at me as if I was his high school crush.
Is this how men really act? Do all guys think I’m a slut? Am I a slut? What even is a slut? If a wear a skirt, am I considered a slut? I don’t want to be a slut…
I am a slut.
My mind was officially poisoned. I was 15 years old when I was robbed of my body confidence. I became confused about how I should feel naked because if I ever came close to calling myself beautiful the whispers of ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ were in the back of my head. I could never let my hair down and just enjoy how stunning I actually was. My goddess light had dimmed and I became another very insecure female.
I used to dream about being a model. I thought I would travel the world shooting in gorgeous places. I even took myself to agencies and stood in line for two hours on my own to be considered for “America’s Next Top Model”. Then I always seemed to choke. “I can’t do this, I don’t even like my body. Will they think I’m a slut?” I just gave up.
I was emotionally abused. The fella was a supporter by day and became an emotional abuser by night. From showing me fatherly love to calling me harsh words. My mind started to believe him.
Not only did the insecurities of another person take over my mind and my dream, as I grew older it began to take over my personal life. I couldn’t relax in front of my partners. Yes, what you’re thinking is exactly it. I had a hard time getting intimate with my partners. I hated my naked self and I couldn’t get my head around how someone else could love it. Were they just using me. I was a slut remember — or this is what my own mind began telling me.
As time passed by, I have watched this body grow two little humans. I have felt confident at times and felt low at times. However, observing my two girls walk around dressed in the most craziest outfits then to their bare minimum, it has taken me back to those days that I was robbed. How could ANYONE do or say horrible things to such beautiful beings. Although it was my step father who tore me down, it has been my two gorgeous girls who have supplied me with the match and gave me the opportunity to light my inner goddess again.
This time around I am now confident enough to share it with others.
Our bodies are beautiful. No one has the same freckle, same scar, same nose, or even the same smile as me. We are such beautiful and unique creatures it hurts my soul that I couldn’t see this before. I am now learning how much the mind controls our life. As I was an innocent weak fifteen year old, I wasn’t strong enough to learn not to listen to the fella on the sofa. He poisoned my mind with his own insecurities and I had made them my own. I am no longer letting anyone poison me. I am beautiful. Every single thing about me is absolutely stunning because no one else is like me. I am not a slut, I take accountability for my own actions. I want to love myself so I choose to love myself.
Every single human has some sort of insecurities. What I have learned throughout my journey is to turn an insecurity into a strength. I have chose to open up and share my story, if we learn how to dig up our demons and deal with them we make space for growth. This is my story and with this new business venture, CosmoBootyCrew, I am now offering a helping hand to inspire all types of women to come out and share your goddess energy with the world. Because when does the insecurities of one, stop poisoning the minds of others?
Just a little reminder that NO ONE is as beautiful as you. Join the Crew