When I became a mother, I lost Alaina. The past four years I’ve been constantly learning a whole know realm of life. Motherhood. Everything I had already thought I knew about myself was irrelevant. I felt that I am living life for my children. Which is fine and would say perfectly normal. The amount of knowledge I quickly learned by being a mother has led me astray with my individuality but redirected me to so many new beginnings. But what am actually doing about my life? Where am I going? What is my passion? What do I like to do? What is my fashion? What are my goals? And how do I even begin to get back to me? I felt lost in so many ways.
I have been fighting with my own thoughts. Do I want to go back to work? Should I start taking a class? Do I even have time? Time Time Time, that word again that gives me anxiety and gets me stressed. It was time that was making me feel like I had to do something about my life now, but I did not even know what it was I was rushing to do.
I was starting to realise that being lost was actually the only way I am able to finally be me. I am now confidently lost. I am beginning to live for ‘now’. If I want tomorrow to be a good day, or even 12 months from now to be an even better day. I need to be the best version of myself NOW.
I am confidently lost, knowing that I am letting go of all the worries of what’s next. I am working on me, today, right now. I am grateful for every single piece of non-animal food in my kitchen, clothes in my closet, and people in my life. The ones that come and the ones that go. Whether you’re that woman who orderedthe vanilla soya latte in front of me and turned around to give my baby a little smile or that wonderful neighbour who told me I looked miserable. I am grateful for every single soul that crosses my pathway.
I am confidently lost. I am just an outline of my past that is constantly evolving. All the places I have been, have given me a bit of knowledge to where I am now. Then not knowing the places I will go, to keep growing. Waking up each day grateful to learn new things about me.
I am confidently lost. I don’t know what my forte is, I don’t know what type of skills I have. I am on this pathway, to who knows where. I don’t know what I will be doing tomorrow. Who I will be speaking to. Who will come in my life or walk out. I am constantly trying to get to know me.
I am confidently lost. I am a footballer’s wife. I am a mother of two. I have a degree in Liberal arts. I am mixed race. I do not have a job that creates income.I have dreads. I wear leggings 90% of the time. I have tattoos. I am a coffee lover. I mumble when I get too excited. But all this shouldn’t define me. I am not hiding. I am not trying to be anybody else but me. The best version of myself.
I am confidently lost. I don’t have any special talents. All I have to give to the world are my experiences to share and inspire. Remind people to love. Remind people to be grateful for what’s in front of them, not dwell on what they do not have. Remind people to work on the inside in order to see the brighter side.
I am lost, and it is the most exciting thing I have ever felt. I am confident in letting go of the worry of what’s next and strapping up on this rollercoaster of life and letting it take me to the unknown. And it’s just the matter of letting go of what I cannot control and just being the best version of me, that I can be. Who else will be jumping on?
No one is you, and that is your power.
Squeal, Sign, Mumble,
The Bennett Babes